Silver Linings

So, I had an emotional breakdown earlier this week.  I wasn't just a little upset... I basically spent two straight days sobbing.  Like, to the point where I think I got a little dehydrated.  Seriously, I was more distraught than the first time a boy broke my heart (which was just last fall).  It was that bad.

You see, I'm studying for the Bar this summer, which is a pretty daunting task in and of itself.  But I'm enrolled in a review class which is supposed to be extremely helpful.  Unfortunately, customer service is totally incompetent and didn't have any of my contact information right, so I didn't get the books until this week... two days before our midterm (no joke, they sent the books to my old apartment twice, even after I had notified them of my change of address (over a year ago)).  I've been attending all of the classes and completing the online material, so I thought I would be able to catch up on the books when they arrived.  I was wrong.  When a 40+ lb. package of books finally arrived on my doorstep, I realized that I would never be prepared by next month, and it completely broke my spirit.  So naturally, I had an all-out panic attack.

 After doing some serious soul-searching, I decided to defer and wait until February to take the Bar.  Sure, it's not the traditional post-law-school route, but I would much rather wait few months and really feel comfortable with the material.  This plan makes me feel much more confident.  Tradition be damned.

Anyway, this whole unfortunate situation made me start thinking about some of the wonderful things in my life.  First, I live close to the beach in California.  See that picture of the pier on my page?  No, I didn't take that pic myself (hello, plagiarism), but I can walk there any time I want to.  And yes, it really is that beautiful.

The other day I overheard a girl complaining about the cold weather here.  It was 63 and sunny outside.  Seriously?!  The weather here is almost always gorgeous.  These native Californians don't realize how great they have it.

I have the best sister in the world.  When I told her about my recent emotional breakdown, she immediately came over and took me out for happy hour sushi and a movie.  Not only is she my favorite person ever, but she lives close enough that we get to see each other often.  We like to cook food and drink too much wine together.

I sang Guns N' Roses with my niece via gmail chat recently.  I love that kid.  Sweet Child O' Mine has never been more adorable.

My friends are the greatest.  Seriously.  I've found some incredible people in Los Angeles, and I also know some unbelievably wonderful people spread all over the country.  I dearly love all of them.

I could keep going, but all in all, things are pretty dang good.  I'm so happy right now that I could crap unicorns.  And the unicorns would crap puppies.  And the puppies would fart rainbows.  Sorry if that was gross, but I'm currently too surrounded with imaginary unicorns, puppies, and rainbows to care.

I never thought this would happen.

True story:  I went on a date with a former porn star.

Please allow me to explain.

Seth and I had been exchanging messages for a while, so we finally agreed to meet at a pub in Venice.  I knew he was a little older because his plentyoffish profile says that he is 39, but I wasn't too worried about that.  After all, I have dated a couple of guys who are in their 40s.  Don't get me wrong, I do not actively seek out older men, it just worked out that way a few times.  But when I met Seth, he said that he is actually 43.  I thought it was a little weird that he lied about his age on the website, but at least he was honest when we met.  He even showed me his drivers license.  He also told me that he was married for 12 years and he has a 14-year-old daughter.  Yikes.  I am too young to be her mother.

Anyway, during the course of our conversation Seth casually mentioned that he used to work in the adult entertainment industry.  I laughed because I assumed it was a joke, but it turns out that he was being serious.  Apparently he did that for a while when he was younger because he was living in Vegas and needed the money.  I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when he told me this.  How would you react if you went on a date with a guy and he told you that he used to do porn?  Fortunately it didn't get too awkward, so we kept chatting for a while.  And he was a really nice guy, so I may or may not agree to see him again.  It's still up in the air. 

Also, I totally did some internet research to see if I could find some of his "acting work."  Didn't find any of that, though.  But I did find some videos of him playing the guitar.  He is a recording artist now, so it makes sense that he would have videos of his music.  He's actually quite talented.  But I still want to find some of his other films so I can tell whether he's into anything particularly depraved.  That might be a deal breaker.

There are some nice guys out there.

I'm kind of a stickler for spelling and grammar.  If a guy sends me a poorly written message on plentyoffish, I usually don't respond.  And I get a lot of messages from guys who don't seem to have a good grasp on the English language.  So when I received a funny, smart, well-written message from Craig, I was intrigued.  Also, he's tall and he's an attorney for the federal government.  (Swoon.)  And we have been on four dates so far.  That is twice as many as any other guy from this website.

On the first date, we met at a place in Santa Monica that has a great happy hour with old-fashioned cocktails.    http://www.copadoro.com/  During the course of our conversation, I mentioned that I was taking a class in international law.  It turns out that Craig went to law school at Yale, and he is kind of an expert at international law (He wrote an article that was published in Yale's law journal... that's definitely a big deal).  After we met he agreed to give me his class outlines, so I can thank him for helping me graduate from law school.

For the second date, we went to Downtown L.A. Art Walk.  http://www.downtownartwalk.com/  So we know that this guy has some culture.  On the third date, we went to The Museum of Jurassic Technology.  I know that sounds weird, but it was actually really neat.  http://www.mjt.org/  Finally, on our fourth date we went to see a movie - Cave of Forgotten Dreams. 

I really like this guy, but there is one catch.  He is moving to Washington, D.C. in a few months for a judicial clerkship.  I'm still trying to decide how to proceed with this situation.  Any advice?

If a guy ever asks you over to his place on a first date, don't do it.

This happened to me on two separate occasions.  In hindsight I realize that it was obviously a terrible idea.  Anyway, when I first signed up for this website, a couple of guys asked me to come over to their place and watch a movie.  Since I'm not a total idiot (but still, admittedly, kind of an idiot), I managed to convince both of them to meet somewhere public first before we actually watched the movie, just so I could scope them out beforehand.  After I decided that they probably weren't serial killers, I did agree to watch a movie with them.  This was a mistake.  Both times.

The first one made no attempt at subtlety, and he actually tried to grab my boobs during the movie.  Right about that time, I just so happened to remember that I had "something important to do the next morning," so I made my escape as quickly as possible.

Uh... yeah.

The other guy at least finished watching the movie with me before he straight up asked me, "So, do you want to fuck?" 

Nope, but thanks for the offer, I guess.  (?!)  Ew.

Don't Lock Your Keys in Your Car.

On my POF profile, I mention that I dabble in triathlons.  Mark is a fellow triathlete, so he suggested that we meet for an ocean swim and then grab some drinks afterward.  Right off the bat, he earned major points for creativity because he suggested something out of the ordinary.  Have you ever been on an ocean swim for a first date?  I doubt it.

We met at the pier in Hermosa Beach and went for a little out-and-back swim.  We didn't go very far; I would guess maybe a mile at the very most.  Afterward, we went back to our cars to drop off our swim gear before going for drinks.  After Mark took off his wetsuit, he managed to lock himself out of his car... wearing only his Speedo.  So, here I am, standing in a parking garage in Hermosa, with a guy who is only wearing a Speedo.  On our first date.  Fortunately, I'm a AAA member so I was able to call and have them unlock his car for free.  He had a great sense of humor about it, though.  Also, he had a camera with him so we have video of the incident.  Do the links work?

http://www.flipshare.com/view.aspx?nRecipient=&nFrame=NDFFOTZFMjUtQTNGRS00MDk5LUEyNTctNjQxMjdBMkExRTUy&nT=

http://www.flipshare.com/view.aspx?nRecipient=&nFrame=N0MyNzQ5RDMtQzY5OS00NEI5LTgyODctQUIyRDE5ODhDQzhE&nT=

http://www.flipshare.com/view.aspx?nRecipient=&nFrame=MEU3NUU2MkItM0Y5Ri00N0FBLUJCNzItQkNEMDY3QzM4RTUw&nT=

 Anyway, after that issue was resolved, we got a pitcher of beer at a place called the Poop Deck.  Then we got some nachos at a Mexican place called Cantina Real.  We also befriended the owner of the place (Real himself), and he gave us some free margaritas.

I have kept in touch with Mark, but we haven't been able to meet each other again.  Hopefully we will soon.  I'll keep you posted.

I'm a Cougar.

So, I met a boy named Trevor.  He was incredibly nice, but also incredibly young.  Like, too young to legally drink.  He's twenty years old.  I think that I officially qualified myself as a cougar by going on a date with him.  Oops.

Anyway, I met Trevor at a Starbucks in Hermosa Beach so that we could chat.  We talked at length about our plans for the zombie apocalypse.  It was hilarious.  After Starbucks, we walked down to the pier and found an arcade.  Naturally, we played Guitar Hero and Air Hockey.  I won at Guitar Hero but lost at Air Hockey.  We also discussed the intricacies of the cast of Scooby-Doo.  Obviously, I am Velma (not Daphne).  As dorky as all of this sounds, I actually had a great time with him.  He's a really nice guy.

At the end of our date, he mentioned that his car was in the shop so his parents had to pick him up.  So I said that I'd wait around until they showed up.  This resulted in me meeting his parents ON THE FIRST DATE.  Kinda awkward, but not as bad as you might think.

Date #3

I met Mike at a billiards hall so that we could play a few games of pool.  One of the first things I noticed was that he was wearing a sweatshirt that is exactly the same as one I have, except that mine is in a smaller size.  Yes, I have a purple sweatshirt from the men’s department at Target.  Don’t judge me.  Anyway, playing pool was fun, but I lost.  No surprise there, I am terrible at pool.  

After that we walked across the street to a karaoke bar and grabbed some drinks.  Mike sang “Stuck in the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel, and I sang “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi.  I was every bit as bad as you would expect me to be.  We talked about our taste in music, and it turns out we’re both fans of 80’s metal.  I mentioned an 80’s cover band I like called Steel Panther that plays in Hollywood on Monday nights.  (They’re really funny: steelpantherrocks.com)  He said “Hey, tonight is Monday.  We should go see them.”  So off to Hollywood we went.

Seriously, I can’t describe how hilarious their shows are.  Metal music, raunchy humor, and girls get up on stage and show their boobs (I am not one of those girls).  It’s not uncommon to see celebrities there on occasion, and that night Dane Cook and Steven Adler were there.  They both got up on stage, and Steven actually played a couple of songs with them.  It was awesome.  Mike had a good time, too.  We’ve stayed in touch, but haven’t been able to meet up with each other again.  Maybe someday soon.

Date #2 (and 4)

After exchanging a few messages with Paul, we agreed to meet by the Pier in Manhattan Beach.  He is a student who is getting his master’s degree in engineering.  We started out just wandering around the boardwalk, and he was extremely nice.  Almost too nice.  During our conversation he mentioned that he doesn’t drink and he is a vegetarian.  Well, two of my favorite things in the world are booze and dead animal meat, so I already knew that he would never be able to hang out with me and my friends.  Also, by the end of our stroll he had already started holding my hand.  Awkward, buddy… we just met.

We decided to get something to eat at one of the restaurants in the area, but couldn’t decide where to go.  Since he was the one with dietary restrictions, I suggested that he choose whatever would work for him, but he said that we could go wherever I decided.  I wanted to say “Hey, we should grab some chicken wings and beer at that sports bar,” but that obviously wouldn’t work for a vegetarian teetotaler.  We spent an inordinate amount of time trying to decide where to go before finally settling on an Italian place.  I felt obligated to order a vegetarian dish just so I wouldn’t offend the guy.  

I did agree to go on a second date with him though, because he was just too nice and I couldn’t say no.  We went to a bowling alley and then got some frozen yogurt on the Santa Monica Promenade.  It felt like I was in middle school, if only I had been cool enough to go on dates with boys in middle school.  After that we spent a few awkward moments standing on the pier looking out at the ocean.  During that time I got a text message from one of my friends asking if I wanted to party that night.  Paul asked if I wanted to go back to one of our places and watch a movie, but I told him that I was too tired.  After that I totally went out with my friends and gave my cell number to a guy at a bar.

I felt bad, but I sent Paul a message the next day saying that I thought he was a great guy but I didn’t think we were a good match for each other and blah blah blah… He was cool about it, though.  Honestly, the weirdest part about the whole thing was how he seemed to decide, within the first half hour of our first date, that he wanted a long-term, committed relationship with me.  By the second date he was talking about our future together.  Seriously, I had met another guy (next blog post) in between our two dates.  Since this is a dating website and I am actively planning dates with multiple other guys, I am definitely not ready to jump into anything that quickly.

Profile

Do you guys want to see my Plenty of Fish profile?  You don't have to be signed in to see it, and I'm totally not embarrassed to show it to you.  I have no shame about this.  Check it out:  http://www.plentyoffish.com/member26866418.htm

Do you know what's really fun to do, too?  Click on some of the profiles of other girls and be really judgmental about them.  I do it all the time.  It seems that there is a negative correlation between the ability to spell properly and how much cleavage they show in their profile pictures.  Interestingly, the same thing thing goes for guys who show pictures of their abs and/or biceps.

Also, I have completely lost count of the number of guys who have sent me messages specifically looking for one night stands.  I usually don't respond (duh), but sometimes it's too hilarious and I can't resist.  Like one guy who initiated contact with me by asking if I wanted a... how should I say this... purely carnal relationship.  However, his profile said that he was seeking a long-term relationship.  I responded by alerting him to the incongruity between his profile and the intent in the message he was sending to me.  I also suggested that he might be committing false advertisement.  I used words and phrases that I learned in law school.  Weird, he never wrote back.

Idea

I've been trying to think about things to write here and I was drawing a total blank.  Then I had an epiphany.

First off, I need to make a confession.  I joined a dating website recently.  It's called Plenty of Fish.  A friend of mine is on it too, and she recommended that I sign up for it.  At first I wasn't very sure about it, but I made a profile, started looking around, and actually got kind of interested.  It turns out that Los Angeles is not completely devoid of normal looking guys who are in my age group.  And very few of them look like they will rape me and leave my body in a ditch.  I've been on for about a month now, and so far I've been on dates with seven guys.  And I'm meeting another one this Wednesday.  Seriously guys, this is ridiculously fun.  That's right, Liz Jones is slutting it up big time.  Hah!

Anyway, I was thinking that it might be fun if I blogged about my internet dates on here, as well as other random funny adventures I have.  I will change their names for the sake of privacy, but I will tell each story as accurately as possible.  If I do this will anybody read it?

First up: I exchanged a few messages with a guy named Jake.  I'm not going to lie, I didn't have a great feeling about him; he seemed a tad skeezy.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was a little off about the guy.  But I reminded myself that I signed up for this thing to meet new people so I should just go for it.  And we were meeting in a well lit public area so what's the worst that could happen?  Anyway, he lives pretty far away so we decided to meet in the middle, which turned out to be in Anaheim.  I have to drive an hour to get to Anaheim, so that added to my skepticism about the situation.

We ate dinner at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., and it actually wasn't nearly as awkward as I had expected it to be.  The conversation came fairly easily, and he had a decent sense of humor.  After dinner we walked to a bar nearby to grab a drink and keep chatting.  This is where things got weird.  It became fairly obvious that Jake intended to fill me up with booze and try to take advantage of me.  He kept trying to buy me more drinks, and he even offered to get us a hotel room (ew)!

Needless to say, I did not allow him to complete his rapey mission.  And it gets worse... when I got home I looked him up on facebook.  Relationship status: married.  I did not contact Jake again.  Lesson learned: trust your gut, Liz.  If his profile seems sketchy, he probably is.

Don't worry, my experience has greatly improved since then.  I am now older and wiser.  More stories to follow if this is actually amusing for all two of my followers (love you guys!!).

New Blog!

Hi.  I'm Liz.  I decided to start a blog.  This is my first post.
Right now I have no idea what I'm going to write about here.  My life is not very exciting.  I mostly started this because I wanted to put off doing some actual schoolwork.  And since I would like to keep finding reasons to procrastinate, this could be a useful outlet for me.  So... there you have it.  I started this thing because I'm looking for a reason to be unproductive.  Hopefully it won't be a total failure.